Offender or Offended: Who Makes the First Move?

As long as there are two people on the face of the earth who are in close proximity to one another, there will be disagreements, hurt feelings, and a need for reconciliation. Because God, our Father, knew this, He gave us crystal-clear instructions to follow—instructions that will preserve peace and enable us to walk together in love and unity.

His formula may not always please us. We may want to declare and claim our rights. But God’s Word makes it abundantly clear that, whether we are the offender or the offended one, the first step toward reconciliation is always ours to take.

In His Sermon on the Mount, Jesus said: “You have heard that it was said to those of old, ‘You shall not murder; and whoever murders will be liable to judgment.’ But I say to you that everyone who is angry with his brother will be liable to judgment; whoever insults his brother will be liable to the council; and whoever says, ‘You fool!’ will be liable to the hell of fire. So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift” (Matthew 5:21–24).

Note that, in this instance, if we know in our hearts that someone is holding a grudge against us, we are called to move in that person’s direction, making every effort possible to pursue godly reconciliation. The text implies that our offerings to God—offerings of prayer and praise—are not acceptable if we allow issues with others to remain unreconciled or if we refuse to take the first step.

I do not know about you, but I cannot afford to have barriers erected between my soul and my Savior. Unreconciled differences raise such barriers.

On our side of the fence, to help keep us from becoming offenders, we are called to keep some very specific verses in mind. In Matthew 7:12, Jesus said: “In everything, therefore, treat people the same way you want them to treat you, for this is the Law and the Prophets.”

Consciously walking in this manner is the greatest defense against becoming an offender. If, in a moment of weakness, we do become an offender, we must move toward confessing our wrong words, actions or attitudes as soon as possible so that godly reconciliation may occur.

Whether we stand on the offender’s side of the fence or the offended person’s side, these words from the Apostle Paul apply to us all: “If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men” (Romans 12:18).

If we are not at peace with those around us—especially brothers and sisters in Christ—we are called to make every effort to make peace. We are always called to take the first step toward reconciliation.

But note that the Apostle said, “If possible…” Sadly, even among Christians, there are some who refuse to reconcile or be reconciled. If that happens, God does not hang us out to dry; He calls us to move on. If I make every effort to reconcile with another person and they refuse my overtures, I am free. I need to get on with life and no longer be hamstrung by the broken relationship.

In that regard, the one who refuses to be reconciled will bear the burden of alienation from God’s beautiful presence in his or her life.

The Apostle Paul also gave us these words: “Therefore, laying aside falsehood, speak truth each one of you with his neighbor, for we are members of one another. Be angry, and yet do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and do not give the devil an opportunity” (Ephesians 4:25–27).

I hope none of us would ever willfully make ourselves pawns in the hands of the devil. But when we refuse to be reconciled with another, we become just that. How many sunsets have come and gone since the event that separated you from another person—a family member, a brother or sister in Christ?

Today, you can determine to put an end to the angst by moving in the direction of the one you have offended or the one who has offended you. The choice is yours, but know this: today, you can be set free.